It’s hard to imagine that you’ve become an ex; that was something I never really anticipated. Do you remember the time we witnessed the sun come up on our way to the airport in Hyderabad? It was a moment of pure beauty and infinity. In that moment, I thought that you were that one person; my person. I can’t put that moment into words; it was an instant calm followed by a burst of pure bliss. That was another time perhaps, one where I felt invincible with you by my side.
Five years have flown by since that happened, but never did I imagine us being here. We don’t talk anymore, like the song. My mother once told me that too much familiarity breeds contempt, and I know you deny having any resentment towards me, but your words nearing the end told me differently. I can’t really make sense of what happened, but I can try here. In your eyes, I am a source of grief and a damning reason for your pain. You also implies that I have wronged you time and time again, and all you have done is given me chance upon chance. It took me eight long years to understand this, but you believe people are either for you or against you. What you do not realize is that people can also be for themselves; not every component of their behavior is targeted towards you. You thought I drifted apart, that I wasn’t there for you, that I disengaged. I actually just branched out a little, I didn’t abandon you.
You said that the bad I’ve done, the hurt I caused you, is unforgivable and negates all the good our friendship ever gave you. Perhaps I was a little cavalier with your problems, but can you blame me? Not a single month had gone by since the day I met you where you haven’t been falling apart and dealing with a crisis. Yes, you’ve had a tough life, but honestly, I’ve seen people go through worse and deal with it better.
I remember being there for you on the fourth anniversary of your first breakup, trying to convince you of your beauty. I recall running as fast as my feet can carry me to the hospital you had fainted in. I remember coming to the hostel a day before a submission, simply to deal with your breakdown; this happened time and time again. I flew down to see you time and time again because you were falling apart. I remember spending entire work days dealing with you and your then boyfriend because you just could not communicate with him in the condition you were in. I recall going to see my overseas boyfriend after two months, and still having to deal with your constant spats with your then boyfriend. I went through hours and hours, days and nights, where my only concern was your well-being, so much so that I couldn’t function when you were in pain. Do you remember the fifty odd breakups you had with that man? I do; I was the one on the other end of the phone call when you broke down nearly daily. Now however, I remember you saying that all of it meant nothing, that no one had hurt you as badly as I did, and that you think I’m a horrible, selfish human being because I didn’t call you the day you were sick. I don’t speak of these incidents to keeping count. Anyone who knows me also knows that I never keep count when it comes to maintaining a friendship. I am also well aware that you did a myriad of things for me during my rough patches; I will not negate any of it. I speak of these things because I know that I gave it my very best and you still wanted more. I could never get it right, could I? I either agree with you, or I’m wrong and I’m selfish.
At first I trusted you with your own decisions, but as a couple of years went by, it became harder and harder for me to do that. You made bad choice after bad choice, and I understand how that could happen, don’t get me wrong; I’ve made quite a few myself. But I broke down seldomly and over time, I stopped coming to you with my issues because you could barely handle your own. You keep saying that you were always there when you needed me, but how many times did I really need you? You came to me for advice and time and time again you ignored it; anyone would stop taking you seriously after the first hundred times.
I saw you, for years, delegating blame for every crisis you faced, on all the people you knew. Your mother, your father, your exes, your friends, no one was truly safe. I thought I was. I thought you looked at me as an ally, that you knew I could never want anything for the best for you. I was wrong. The second I had my own life to deal with, my own bunch of problems, my future, I became selfish, immature and hateful.
It’s futile talking about any of this now. Yes, we both may have wronged each other, but never in a thousand years did I imagine us coming to this. My wedding has come and gone without you there, and while a corner of my heart missed you, a bigger corner realized our time had come and gone. You have your own glamorous life, and I have my own issues to deal with. I cannot lie and say I have no anger or resentment, but most of it came out of the last six months. Even now, all I can say is that I wish nothing but the best for you. You’re going to be someone someday and I couldn’t be prouder; I won’t even take credit for pointing this out before we had amounted to anything. I truly hope you find the happiness you have so vehemently been looking for, but I think we are past the point of no return. I am glad to have known you, but we have finally parted ways, just like everyone said we would. And now, I’m finally okay with it.
Your Ex Best Friend