The Fall

You shouldn’t love me because you’re lonely, or because you made a commitment and you don’t know how to get out of it. You shouldn’t love me for the person I was, because that person vanished eons ago. You shouldn’t love me because I’m one of the few that doesn’t piss you off, because I’m sure I will time and time again. I’m not perfect, I’m not close to it. I will end up getting on your nerves because I want to be exactly who I am, in all my vulnerable glory with you. I’ll try to be your rock, but I’ll mess that up once in a while.

I lie, I sleep too much and I really don’t like children under the age of 12, unless they’re related to me, in which case I’ve got no option. I’m not even sure I want kids because I’m selfish. Mothers can’t be selfish once they have a child.

I’m always looking for the rain to come and I know exactly what the air smells like before a storm. I cry more often than I care to admit because it feels good to get it all out once in a while. I wonder what you see in me because I can’t see anything worth loving. I think about us together and us apart, and whether the effort involved is worth it. Then I remember your face, and all my doubts go out the window.

I want to talk about the randomness of the universe, about the theory behind the space-time continuum, about the vastness of our galaxy and about the wicked deeds of men. I want to know which songs you listen to and what you think about when you have time to think. Sometimes I’ll be the escape, sometimes I’ll be the problem, but I won’t worry about times yet to come even though it’s what my mind inevitably wanders off to.

I want you to know that there’s a chance that this won’t work, that eventually one of us will wind up hating the other. I’ll try to keep your head above water, but sometimes I’ll need help, too. I can’t be your savior, and I don’t expect you to be mine. Just watch me unfold and I’ll watch you unfold, too. We’ll get drunk and tell each other everything. The buzz of alcohol often does that, helps you look past the outside and reveals who the person really is. It’s cheating, using a catalyst, but in the morning I know I won’t be embarrassed.

So I’m saying it. I’m falling in love with you, head first. It could last forever, or it could kill us both. We could slow dance off the top of the highest tower, or maybe, by next year, we won’t even remember each other’s faces. I no longer care, the sky is gray with or without you, so I’m not going to look up anymore, I’m going to look ahead.

Inspired by:
—Before You Fall in Love with Me, Caitlyn S.

A Nightmare

My feet, that’s all I could see. They were walking down a road. I couldn’t see where I was headed; there was just a rocky path. It was one of those spring days when the sun shines and the wind blows: when it was summer in the light, and winter in the shade. Still, it’s not the most pleasant feeling in the world, not knowing where you’re going, especially when that’s all you’re trying to see.

After what seemed like hours I hit a dead-end. I could finally move my neck. There’s a huge wall with a wooden door in it. I turned around to look at the path I took but I couldn’t see it; there was too much thick, black fog blocking the entire view. “This is unpleasant,” I remember thinking. It wasn’t enough to scare me witless like one would hope. I was relatively calmer than anyone would have been, but then again, I am usually oblivious to danger.

Then I saw the snake. It was a dirty purple and huge, only growing larger as it moved closer. It didn’t scare me. I reached out to it, god knows why, and without a word, it slithered up to me and sunk its fangs into my arm. It didn’t feel unnatural, but I wasn’t particularly fond of the burning sensation slowly crawling up my arm. It then slithered away.

At the same moment the huge wooden door creaked open. Without a second thought I slipped in. My arm was throbbing and the room I entered was fear imbibing, but I wasn’t scared. Far from it, I was enamoured. The cold dampness of the air was comforting to my existence, which was weird considering I’m a huge fan of warm sunny days. What I could see was more than strange. I could see two colours: black and red. The black was the darkness and the red was the blood.

As the light slowly crawled into the room, I started to recognize it. It was my home in Hyderabad, but it was nothing like I remembered. There was blood and there was the devil. The snake had already got me hallucinating, the pain had gone that bad. What scared me was how I wasn’t terrified of the creature in front of me.

He was the size of the Mountain in Game of Thrones and his charred skin was covered in blood, not unlike the entire apartment in front of me. He turned and I saw his eyes. They were an icy shade of green, not red like I had expected. I kept on staring, fascinated by his demeanor. And when he spoke a shiver of excitement ran down my spine. “Finally, you’re here,” he said in heavy rasp. All I could do was tilt my head like a perplexed dog.

He walked closer and I realized I didn’t want to run. I wanted him to egg on forward, which he did with utter grace. He look my hand in his and led me to another door. The other side was shocking, there was nothing but pale moonlight bouncing off the most beautiful flowers I had ever seen. Here, he help my hand and that was it. We swayed to song of the flowers and the wind under the largest moon I ever imagined.  We danced with fluidity I had never experienced and in what seemed to be forty years, I opened my eyes and the pain from the snake bite had vanished. There was a faint scar but I could barely see it. All I could see was the piercing green of his eyes and that was it. It ended there, in that moment and I was left in my bed wanting to know, wanting more.

Them

They’ve been in close proximity, but never are they really present. They linger and just wait for you to break. They speak through a veil of contempt and disrespect even if the words they use are friendly and comforting. You wanted to play because you thought you were the ultimate player, little did you know you were playing their game along and they were in fact, the masters. They will choose you, play you, and erase you once they are done. They will break you down just to prove that they are capable and all you will be left with is dry sadness and raging fury. You will overcome the dryness but the rage will live on, like a ball of wildfire in the pit of your stomach.

You will ultimately turn into a ghost of a memory for them but they won’t budge an inch from yours. They will drive you away from the image you had of yourself and they will persist till the time you look at yourself with disgust. And at the end of it all, they will finally walk away with a smugness you despise while you are left to pick up the pieces of your oh-so-broken self.

True Story.

Crumble

­It hummed in the background as night turned to day, but ignorance was bliss.
The screeches started later that day, it too was pushed to the back of my mind.

Persistent and roaring, it kept pulling forward till it was all that was left.
Eating at my insides, consuming me whole, it struck at the darkest hours.
The sky burst open and so did my soul.
It came flooding out as I crumbled to the ground with nothing to hold on to.

Shocked I was, but it kept me mesmerized as the it pulled forward.
Consciousness started to elude me but I no longer wanted to care.
It took over and I still didn’t care; now it was what I wanted so I let it be.
I crashed and so did my spirit. It was done.
There was no going back, but would I survive it, is a question unanswered.