You shouldn’t love me because you’re lonely, or because you made a commitment and you don’t know how to get out of it. You shouldn’t love me for the person I was, because that person vanished eons ago. You shouldn’t love me because I’m one of the few that doesn’t piss you off, because I’m sure I will time and time again. I’m not perfect, I’m not close to it. I will end up getting on your nerves because I want to be exactly who I am, in all my vulnerable glory with you. I’ll try to be your rock, but I’ll mess that up once in a while.
I lie, I sleep too much and I really don’t like children under the age of 12, unless they’re related to me, in which case I’ve got no option. I’m not even sure I want kids because I’m selfish. Mothers can’t be selfish once they have a child.
I’m always looking for the rain to come and I know exactly what the air smells like before a storm. I cry more often than I care to admit because it feels good to get it all out once in a while. I wonder what you see in me because I can’t see anything worth loving. I think about us together and us apart, and whether the effort involved is worth it. Then I remember your face, and all my doubts go out the window.
I want to talk about the randomness of the universe, about the theory behind the space-time continuum, about the vastness of our galaxy and about the wicked deeds of men. I want to know which songs you listen to and what you think about when you have time to think. Sometimes I’ll be the escape, sometimes I’ll be the problem, but I won’t worry about times yet to come even though it’s what my mind inevitably wanders off to.
I want you to know that there’s a chance that this won’t work, that eventually one of us will wind up hating the other. I’ll try to keep your head above water, but sometimes I’ll need help, too. I can’t be your savior, and I don’t expect you to be mine. Just watch me unfold and I’ll watch you unfold, too. We’ll get drunk and tell each other everything. The buzz of alcohol often does that, helps you look past the outside and reveals who the person really is. It’s cheating, using a catalyst, but in the morning I know I won’t be embarrassed.
So I’m saying it. I’m falling in love with you, head first. It could last forever, or it could kill us both. We could slow dance off the top of the highest tower, or maybe, by next year, we won’t even remember each other’s faces. I no longer care, the sky is gray with or without you, so I’m not going to look up anymore, I’m going to look ahead.
—Before You Fall in Love with Me, Caitlyn S.