Them

They’ve been in close proximity, but never are they really present. They linger and just wait for you to break. They speak through a veil of contempt and disrespect even if the words they use are friendly and comforting. You wanted to play because you thought you were the ultimate player, little did you know you were playing their game along and they were in fact, the masters. They will choose you, play you, and erase you once they are done. They will break you down just to prove that they are capable and all you will be left with is dry sadness and raging fury. You will overcome the dryness but the rage will live on, like a ball of wildfire in the pit of your stomach.

You will ultimately turn into a ghost of a┬ámemory for them but they won’t budge an inch from yours. They will drive you away from the image you had of yourself and they will persist till the time you look at yourself with disgust. And at the end of it all, they will finally walk away with a smugness you despise while you are left to pick up the pieces of your oh-so-broken self.

True Story.

Stop

I’m ready to accept that not everything bad that happens, happens to me. In fact, I think most emotions twenty-something females go through are universal. Most of us have had the charming-no good-cheating boyfriend;┬áthere would always be the funny guy who has severe commitment issues, and last but definitely not the least, the best friend it didn’t work out with because of something as mundane as logistics.

The cheating boyfriend took away your self-confidence and made you question yourself more than any of the rest, but you got out of it alive. You’re actually quite proud of how you survived that one. The funny guy made you question everything all over again, but you still held your own. The best friend however, is more difficult and delicate a situation. You break up amicably but with a heavy heart and you try your best to be as normal as possible. For the most part, you end up succeeding. You remain friends and probably grow even closer than you were before you were together. At some point, you will rethink the decision of ending things because everything are brilliantly comfortable, he understands you without you having to explain yourself to him, you have a ball of a time even when it’s just the two of you and every days seems better when he’s in it. It’s been years since the breakup and the logistics start to sort themselves out. Life seems to be gliding by; the best thing in it is probably him and you think, “I can take my time with this, he isn’t going anywhere.”

And then, BAM! He starts dating someone else and all of a sudden you end up lost. He’s treating her like a queen, the queen you hoped to be someday, he’s taking her places you’ve been but he’s making more of an effort. He’s calling you to say he’ll see you in the evening but the follow-up call never comes because he’s with her and forgot for a second that someone like you existed. He’s tagging her in “Every Girl With a Cute Face Will Understand” type of posts on Facebook. The jealousy is raging and now, more than ever, you feel like you don’t matter, like you were just another number, a girl he hung out with because he had nothing better to do.

One piece of advice; STOP. Shit happens all over the place all day, every day. He moved on before you, but you will too. You can talk to him, but stop for a second and think: is this really what you want? Or is this because you aren’t number one anymore? Don’t be reckless and immature because you wouldn’t want to be with him and then just end up hurting him. So stop. Stop for a moment and think about why you’re feeling the way you’re feeling. Stop blaming yourself for circumstantial sadness. Stop questioning every decision you ever made.

Yes, you’re losing your friend a little bit but isn’t that his choice, not yours? You used to hang out together because you liked hanging out together. It wasn’t some sort of job or duty. When the honeymoon period is over, you’ll be his friend again. You have to figure out if that’s all you want because if it’s more, he needs to know as soon as possible. But stop losing your head and start thinking straight from the mind, not the heart.

You are a brilliant person; you’re smart, funny, self-aware and gorgeous. It isn’t your fault and it never was. Talk to him, because you will eventually have to, no matter which way your mind decides to bend. And most of all, stop behaving like you’re a part of a chick flick, because honey, you ain’t in one. This is life, and this is your life. You want something to happen? Stop moping and go and take control. Go and tell him he’s being a dick and you don’t like being ignored. Or go and tell him he’s the love of your life and you want to be with him. But go and tell him something. Take a leap of faith, or have a little faith in the relationship you have with him. Either way, you will know where you stand and what you have to do. Moping around hoping he’ll understand you is a complete waste of time. He doesn’t even know that anything’s wrong. Give him a break and help him out. It’s the only way you’ll ever get what you want and truly deserve.

Separation

This feeling. Yes, the very one I haven’t experienced in a long time. The one words do no justice to. Yes, the feeling of separation is the one I rant about today. It’s a hole in the pit of my stomach that moans for attention. It’s an uneasy prod at the back of my mind. It’s the butterflies in my chest that definitely should not be there. It’s that crappy feeling that has absolutely no cure.

The message is clear. Something bad is happening. Something that shouldn’t be happening. If I could postpone it, I would, but postponing is just a way of saying “let’s leave this for another day”. What use is that? I had learnt to put away this feeling so well; how it crept back in me is a mystery. It hurts. More than I remember. It makes my breathing shallow and tears well up in the corner of my eyes. Unfortunately there is only one thing I can do; sleep. Sleep always seemed to numb the pain before. Maybe it will work this time around too. I need to sleep; sleep and hope that the nasty thoughts of separation fade away as the dreams seep in.