The Gut Feeling

My Gut. I’ve told myself time and time again never to ignore my Gut but alas, if only I would listen. That time he didn’t touch me the entire night, it said, “he doesn’t want you anymore”. I ignored it to the best of my capability and a week later voila! He was gone. The time he didn’t drop me to the airport it said, “he would have if he really liked you.” I brushed that aside and a week later, we were done. There was another time when he said, “we’re on vacation with everyone. We don’t need to go on a date exclusively.” Coming from a man who dreamed of taking me out on a fancy date it said again, “something’s definitely out-of-place”, but all I did was lay my head on his shoulder and hold on to his hand. Again, a month later it was over. Let me tell you a secret; in all these instances, “He” changes to a different man. Yes, they’re all different. That’s how many times my gut has tried to warn me, or tell me something. That’s how well my intuition works.

I’m disoriented by nature but my subconscious tends to take notice of behavioral patterns, and it sends me signals which I’ve always ignored. Eventually this leads to heartache, one side of my head telling the other “I told you so”, and a lot of regret for not listening to myself.

This morning my stomach started to flip out. For some reason Kaushal popped into my head. I hadn’t thought about him for ages, it had been months since we last exchanged words, and he had absolutely no business popping up where he doesn’t belong anymore. But he stayed on for a couple of hours. I was slightly on edge at first but it soon became downright uncomfortable. I don’t know why I did what I did, but I ended up messaging him. I asked him when he was in town next and to my astonishment, he had just landed in Ahmedabad this morning. He’s here for a month and his mother had been diagnosed with some form of Leukemia. Honestly, I wouldn’t wish that on my enemies, let alone someone I was in love with once upon a time. What bothered me was there were no signs. Previous gut messages always had a reason to pop up, something was wrong. This time, there was no logical reasoning my subconscious used to come to a conclusion. It was pure, unadulterated intuition that made me send the first message. I don’t know why, but I needed to know.

It’s a powerful tool, intuition. Especially once you acknowledge you have it and you start listening to it. You know what your conscience could never convey to you, you just know. And if you have it, be sure to listen to it. As humans, we tend to rationalize our thoughts and actions but if this morning was any proof, not everything can be rationalized, not everything can be explained. Listening to others can misguide you, but listening to yourself? It needs to be done. And it needs to be done often so listen to what your gut tells you, it’s mostly right.

A Nightmare

My feet, that’s all I could see. They were walking down a road. I couldn’t see where I was headed; there was just a rocky path. It was one of those spring days when the sun shines and the wind blows: when it was summer in the light, and winter in the shade. Still, it’s not the most pleasant feeling in the world, not knowing where you’re going, especially when that’s all you’re trying to see.

After what seemed like hours I hit a dead-end. I could finally move my neck. There’s a huge wall with a wooden door in it. I turned around to look at the path I took but I couldn’t see it; there was too much thick, black fog blocking the entire view. “This is unpleasant,” I remember thinking. It wasn’t enough to scare me witless like one would hope. I was relatively calmer than anyone would have been, but then again, I am usually oblivious to danger.

Then I saw the snake. It was a dirty purple and huge, only growing larger as it moved closer. It didn’t scare me. I reached out to it, god knows why, and without a word, it slithered up to me and sunk its fangs into my arm. It didn’t feel unnatural, but I wasn’t particularly fond of the burning sensation slowly crawling up my arm. It then slithered away.

At the same moment the huge wooden door creaked open. Without a second thought I slipped in. My arm was throbbing and the room I entered was fear imbibing, but I wasn’t scared. Far from it, I was enamoured. The cold dampness of the air was comforting to my existence, which was weird considering I’m a huge fan of warm sunny days. What I could see was more than strange. I could see two colours: black and red. The black was the darkness and the red was the blood.

As the light slowly crawled into the room, I started to recognize it. It was my home in Hyderabad, but it was nothing like I remembered. There was blood and there was the devil. The snake had already got me hallucinating, the pain had gone that bad. What scared me was how I wasn’t terrified of the creature in front of me.

He was the size of the Mountain in Game of Thrones and his charred skin was covered in blood, not unlike the entire apartment in front of me. He turned and I saw his eyes. They were an icy shade of green, not red like I had expected. I kept on staring, fascinated by his demeanor. And when he spoke a shiver of excitement ran down my spine. “Finally, you’re here,” he said in heavy rasp. All I could do was tilt my head like a perplexed dog.

He walked closer and I realized I didn’t want to run. I wanted him to egg on forward, which he did with utter grace. He look my hand in his and led me to another door. The other side was shocking, there was nothing but pale moonlight bouncing off the most beautiful flowers I had ever seen. Here, he help my hand and that was it. We swayed to song of the flowers and the wind under the largest moon I ever imagined.  We danced with fluidity I had never experienced and in what seemed to be forty years, I opened my eyes and the pain from the snake bite had vanished. There was a faint scar but I could barely see it. All I could see was the piercing green of his eyes and that was it. It ended there, in that moment and I was left in my bed wanting to know, wanting more.