Break It Up

My anger with the institution of marriage increases as I see what it does to brilliant, beautiful females around the country. I’ve recently come to understand the concept of staying in a crappy marriage because it’s more convenient than to break it up. And no, it’s not because you can’t leave him. It’s not that you cannot do without him. It’s not that no matter how bad a guy he is, no matter how crappy a husband he is, you still love him. No. It’s the parents. Its’s the family that stops you from walking out. It’s knowing that you can walk out, but if you do, even your own parents won’t stop to think that maybe, just maybe, your reasons are justified.

Being the perfect wife, the perfect daughter, the perfect daughter-in law in this country basically means never raising your voice against anything. Your husband goes out drinking with his buddies every day, comes home and wants to fuck you, after which he conveniently snores off to lalaland. And you’re supposed to be okay with that. Your husband gives the hairy eyeball to every decent looking female he sets eyes on, but he’s a man. He isn’t built to be monogamous and he’s only checking out the menu, he isn’t actually eating anything, so why create a scene? But don’t you dare go ahead and so much as glance in anyone’s direction. You’ll be tagged as promiscuous and slutty for so much as raising an eyebrow.

He can wander off to any and all the corners of the Earth with his boy band. But you’re now married so friends shouldn’t be given the time of the day. They shouldn’t matter as much as they once did. You’re supposed to be reborn into his family and forget about the life you once lived. Your husband can scream at you and call you names not even your parents dare to call you but you so much as raise your voice by a single decibel and you turn into the “crazy, controlling wife.” If he slaps you, “It happened only once so you should forgive him.” And you slapping him is totally out of question because “pati toh parmeshwar hota hai”.

Needless to say, it disgusts me. No, you don’t. I understand your predicament. I know. Yes, I do. You may think of me as an idol spectator commenting on your life from afar but I’ll stop you for a second and ask you this. Is this the life you really wanted? Because you only get one. That’s right, one. And you can spend it how you want. Fighting a lost cause, or being yourself. Being single sucks sometimes. You don’t have someone cuddling with you, or someone to cry to, or someone who gives a major crap about you. You certainly don’t get the consistent bedroom action you want. But if you get it right, you’ll be blessed with a couple of friends who would give up anything for your happiness. You can cry to them and vent to them, they’ll be enough. Earning your own bread is tough too, but if you like what you do slightly, but it’s totally worth it.

Live this life the way you want to. Because giving in to him and changing yourself to an unrecognizable, quiet, perfect wife isn’t all that worth it. You’re worth a lot more than he gives you credit for. You’ve got a light in you that I’ve never seen inside anyone else. You’ve got a fire, a story, a whole world inside you waiting to be heard, seen and explored. And you certainly weren’t built to disappear and dissolve into someone else’s house and life. You were always built for greatness and no one but you can be the person you are meant to. And this isn’t that person. You know it isn’t.

A Free Soul

I’ve grown up believing that India is a land of beauty and culture; there was never a part of me that wanted to live anywhere else because I loved every bit of it. There are the trillion festivals that never fail to lift your spirits, people buzzing at every corner and never is there ever a dull moment. Recently however, my views have changed.

No, I don’t know where I’d go, I don’t know if i plan to go, but a certain part of me is left disgusted. The concept of “Live and Let Live” is lost on the entire population, which is beyond my understanding.

“Vegetarians deciding which meat non-vegetarians should eat. Spinsters deciding how many children women should produce. Straight people deciding the limits of gay lovemaking. Actors commenting on medical ethics. The uneducated running education ministries. Politicians deciding which films should be released on which Friday. Clerics and pujaris debating on how much science is okay for schools. Half-pant-wearing uncles deciding on the length of teenage girl’s skirts. Rapists commenting on the morality of girls they rape and murder.”

No, I wasn’t the one to pen down these words but no others explain the state of our country better. Women are being judged for how they are dressed rather than on what they have to say and men are questioned on the basis of what they do instead of what they represent. No one, and I mean no one, has the right to do anything without jumping through the hoops of their family, schools, teachers, friends or colleagues.

I now figure myself a free soul with a non-conformist view on life, one I can’t shake no matter how hard I try. I believe in the freedom of spirit, where everyone has the right to live life the way they feel. I want to live on a beach and take long walks in the evening or read a book in a cafe in France. I want to have some good wine and get high on invigorating conversation . I want to be able to write with a paper and pen and paint my body on a huge canvas with nothing but a palette knife. I want to meet interesting men and lose myself to them without being questioned for it. I want to be a human being, in love with another human being. I want to go around the world finding first editions of my favourite books and read as much as I possibly can on the way. I want to be able to take in the world when I still have the chance but the chance slips through my palms and I wither away in this godforsaken country where nepotism wins and talent dies.

Urbanization went the wrong way, we had it right in the 70’s. My wants are innumerable but my rationality cuts the path. I know one must earn their daily bread and for that one must do many a things one does not wish to. I’m a dreamer, maybe even a coward for not being able to find a way, but someone has to pay the bills. So here I am, a free soul in a bonded body, which will burst out and engulf me whole some day. That day however, is not today.