“I knew he didn’t love me, but I adored him.”-My life in a nutshell.
He’s the best friend, the one you always want around, no matter what time of the day it is. He’s your sanity when you go completely crazy over some random-ass guy. He’s a breath of fresh air when your family successfully drives you nuts. He’s the hug you need when you have a fight with a girl friend. He’s compassion and comfort all bundled into one. He’s even the infrequent kiss when all you want is that; a kiss. He’s the grey you understand in this black and white world. He’s also the guy you severely disliked the first time you were introduced to each other (mainly because of the greyness). He is literally a soul mate you never thought you would find.
I met my guy next door a few years ago and honestly, I wasn’t too fond of him back then. He seemed like a womanizer who was way too confident for his own good. Of course back then I was a great believer in black and white; a womanizer meant black without question. A couple of years passed by with just a few random sights of each other and that might have been the end of it. Obviously, it wasn’t.
Honestly, I don’t remember when we started hanging out, or why we did for that matter. All I remember is we struck an unlikely friendship and we went from casual acquaintances to close friends rapidly. Over the past couple of years I never realized how much I started depending on him, for advice, to blow off some steam, for love and even for something simple enough as company. I learnt his way of life, I understood why he did the things he did, I saw him making sure he never hurt anybody, I felt him spread happiness wherever he went and at the end of it all I simply felt awestruck. I saw the shades of grey he lived in and I soon realized I had been struggling with the same greys all my life. He gradually grew on me, to say the least.
Don’t get me wrong, you’re not dating and you aren’t in love with him. But you hate him spending time with anyone else because he’s yours. My generation has a gift and a curse; after a point of time we learn how to avoid the feeling of total despair. We know how to manipulate our emotions according to our convenience. So no, I’m not in love with him, but I do love him. He’s more than a friend, but he isn’t the love of the life. He could be; but he isn’t. Everything is a choice, so is this.
“Do not fall in love with people like me. I will take you to museums, and parks, and monuments, and kiss you in every beautiful place, so that you can never go back to them without tasting me like blood in your mouth. I will destroy you in the most beautiful way possible. And when I leave you will finally understand, why storms are named after people.”
We’ve just graduated and are still getting used to being accountable for ourselves. We work in offices and squirm throughout the day because we still aren’t used to the idea of sitting in the same seat day in and day out. We’re still getting used to the fact that everyone we knew throughout college are no longer a few minutes away. Although we wriggle in our seats throughout the day, the idea of not doing anything even for a single one of them makes us uncomfortable. Friends and relationships are no longer the center of our universe; they’re sadly just a part of it.
We spend most of our time thinking about how to make life more worthwhile and not nearly enough of it actually making it so. We still waste our time in the same way we used to during college, only now, we feel guilty about it too. Everyone around us tells us to chill out because we’re still in the prime of our lives and have a long way to go, but we still feel restless because we aren’t young billionaires. Parents mean more to us and we have a mature relationship now. We spend way less time fighting with them and that feels good. Drinking the nights away are still a lot of fun, only hangovers have started to catch up to us. Going to office hung-over doesn’t appeal to us as much as going to college the same way once did.
Talking about ourselves openly as we did a couple of years back isn’t that easy any more. In fact, meeting new people seems more like a task rather than fun. We’re getting set in our ways. We no longer dream of the one; instead we find someone we can tolerate just to make ourselves feel less lonely. Eventually that too crashes and burns but it doesn’t hurt as much as breakups once did. Getting excited about something or someone has become close to non-existent which troubles us more than anything. We want some excitement, we want something new, but we don’t know where to find it anymore.
Laughing out loud isn’t something you do once a day with your friends over the lamest jokes; it happens rarely and when it does, we remember it. Going out every night after work isn’t fun; it’s tedious, but staying in doesn’t appeal to us either. We’re confused out of our minds but we’re too stubborn to accept it, even to our closest friends. We think, we over-think, we even obsess over how we want our lives to go, but never do we once consider the possibility that it might not be the time for us yet. Maybe, just maybe, we have to let the pieces fall and hope they make sense. We’re older and a tad bit wiser. It’s honestly the very beginning and figuring out the end might be more difficult than we like. But a wise woman once said, “It’ll all be worth it in the end, so let it be.”